sometimes I hate technology

Friday the 13th

It's nearly 2:00 a.m. and I have to work tomorrow at 7:30 and then drive from there for six hours to my good ole' hometown of Pinconning so I am going to make this quick. Work today was really good. I don't even know why. I am excited for the drive tomorrow. I made some new cd's and I just got the Beatle's White Album and I will be listening to that too. It should be a fantastic time. I am really excited and still I feel like I am going to miss my new home for those four days that I will be home in my old home. Is that shitty? I miss both places at once and it doesn't make any sense! Was it really Christmas when last I was home? My time is flying flying flying. I hope I look back on this time and know that I made the most of it. I really do.

Grossness: I can smell the scabs in my nasal cavity and I can taste the scabs in the back of my throat! Do you remember what it smelled like dissecting the cat in high school Anatomy class?

Song: Beauty of Uncertainty - KT Tunstall

Are you familiar with our pain scale?

There is something definitely wrong. I feel it in my bones. Every time my pain medication starts to wear off, the left side of my throat hurts so bad that it makes me want to bury myself alive. It is actually like there is a tiny mine worker in my throat chiseling away at the walls with a Taco Bell spork. Something interesting: I think I have mentioned my medication--if not started out by mentioning it--in all of my posts so far. God, why can't I be more interesting? HA. I'm back at work after my week vacation and I am enjoying myself. I'm getting a lot more comfortable with being a service manager now that I kind of know what to do even though I still ask everyone like ten thousand questions. I cannot tell you how good it feels to work at a place that you feel good working at. Oh my golly, my life is so great! Everything is perfect and wonderful and I just want to dance and sing and take my clothes off. Ok, just kidding.

But really, I'm doing pretty good. I set out a while ago to do some self-discovery and to try to understand the things that I do and feel. I try to go to a counselor regularly when he doesn't cancel my appointments and I am really trying to hold true to what I say and say what I know I can hold true to. I feel like I am actually making steps. The person that I am, and even more so the person that I was in the past, has some major flaws. I am not trying to be perfect but I am trying to grow and improve, and not just for me but for the people in my life that are important to me.

I know that one of the hardest things I will have to do is talk to my parents. I want to talk to them about how they make me feel when they ignore the fact that I am a gay man or that they disapprove of the thought of it. I want to tell them how worried I am that they are going to grow old and be lonely and depressed and hate each other and not know anything about their kids. I want to tell them how much I love them and how much I want them to be happy but the problem is that I never have enough strength. I wish I could just tell them what I'm feeling and what I think they should do. So I am setting a goal. I am going to talk to them soon. Maybe before Justin's party. Probably after, when I am still down there. It is so incredibly easy to make goals but it is fucking climbing mountains to actually reach them.

Unitarian Universalists and the Pursuit of Happyness

The savory period of my recovery is slowly coming to a close and the pills that are making it so savory are also nearing an end. Considering all things, this week has been pretty wonderful for me. I got my tonsils removed and because of that, my Mom and Aunt Mary came to visit for a few days. I felt fine and in fact was co-host of a really great potluck on the same night as my surgery. This was much needed time off and even though I did take some really fantastic naps, I feel like I have done a lot. I feel accomplished and that is always a good feeling. This morning, I was awoken to the sweet sounds of Eiffel 65's "Blue" because the ultra-tan fashion model/barista girl at Cruise-n-Coffee (which is the drive-in coffee shop right outside of my window) was playing it as she opened up shop. Brianna and I went for a walk around the Marquette morning and found ourselves in the cemetery among the souls of the dead and the plants of the community gardens that share the space with them.
One major thing that I am thankful for with this move is that we three--Brianna, Stephanie, and I--are all somewhat in the same place, trying to figure things out for ourselves and become the people that we should be and want to be, not the people that we often feel pressured to be. One aspect that we're all kind of looking into is spirituality since none of us believe in the generally accepted idea of God. So this morning, Brianna and I went to a Unitarian Universalist Congregation which is kind of a mass for spiritual atheists. I didn't know what to expect because it is hard to imagine going to church and not hearing about how good God is and how bad I am, but I had a really great time and was very impressed. People were happy and fun and one elderly lady was even mock-ballet dancing in the little reception area because there was some classical music playing. It was the celebration of flowers today and we all took a flower home and then took time to reflect on the flower and the journey it has gone through from seed to where it is now and the complexities and simplicities that it contains. I think I want to start going every week. Well, every week starting the week after next since I will be in Pinconning! on the 15th which is the day after Justin's party, Father's Day, and Sarah's birthday. Don't worry, I wont be buying any Nike's and drinking poison kool-aid; I just really like this idea of people coming together to celebrate one another, without prejudice or guilt or ignorance.
I watched "The Pursuit of Happyness" which is a pretty sad and inspiring okay movie. And "Happyness" is intentionally misspelled. It was good but that's basically all I have to say about it.
I think I have spent a lot of time today tweaking the HTML code on this blog to change what it looks like. I have come to realize that I usually like to make things look beautiful before I start putting them to use. I am not being conceited and saying that my blog looks absolutely beautiful, but I mean that I was more concerned with what it was going to look like than I was with what it was going to say. Is it expression? and is expression a gateway to creativity and more expression? That's what I think it is. I know that I like things to look a certain way before I can feel like they are complete or fully functional. Does this mean that I am fussy about physical appearances? I don't think of myself that way but maybe I am. It seems to be more of the beauty of the things around me or the things that I do rather than actually being me. Is that me? Did Pilgrim's wear tennis-shoes? I need to stop thinking about this and go to bed or the bathroom or something.
But one other thing that I am thankful for: the autosave feature on this blog. For a few moments, I really thought that I had typed all of this and lost it to an accidental visit to YouTube.

Goodnight Moon

This is the first blog that I've posted in a very long time and I am not sure that I am going to be able to continue it like I used to--or even that I want to. I've been sitting in this new life of mine, drifting through the pain pills and cups of tea just wanting to write something and put it out there, or even just make something. Take a picture, write a journal entry, write a poem. Anything. I can't figure out why I am having this longing to write. Perhaps it is that I was so used to it before when I had my first blog, or that being a college student has gotten me into the habit of writing things occasionally. Before, I had an audience and a tangible reason for writing. I was keeping in contact with my friends back home or I was working on an assignment. This feels like neither. I feel like this longing is one that is completely independent of other people. And maybe that is a good thing. Maybe that is what a blog is supposed to be: not to get ratings or viewers but simply to create. God, I'm corny.